A Gearhead’s Night Before Christmas

By on December 24, 2016

‘Twas the night before Christmas

And my kettle was a boil

Cuz I was in the ice cold

Changing my motor oil

 

I bought the quarts cheap

And the filter was a Pronto

Thanks to end of year closeouts

At Advance and Rockauto

 

Two dollars a quart

And a dollar a filter

Those were the prices I needed

To keep the old Volvo on kilter

 

I bought her for peanuts

When it had 200k.

She was now ten years older

The rustworm had stayed away.

 

She was an aging beauty.

Timeless in her grace

I had remodeled my garage

To give her more space

 

Tons of old clothes and toys

Had been given to others

So that I could prolong her life

And be good to my sisters and brothers

 

Yes I was a smart cheapskate

Convicted unrepentant

The new car dealers could eat their bogus fees

I said it. I meant it.

 

I checked her old dipstick

To make sure it read full

When back in my house

I heard a faint sound of bull

 

It was a new car dealer

With a gleam in his eye

Who said I could get six thousand off

A new car I could buy!

 

With a fast pace and rhyme

He would thusly proclaim

“You could buy it for $12,999

If you just come by today!”

 

So I gave him a call

And waited a few

Finally a voice came to my ear

Saying, “Ummm… can I help you?”

 

I told him the deal

And said I would try it

With bogus fees removed

Perhaps I would buy it.

 

I asked for a firm answer

A yes or a no

Would they honor their offer

Could I get it and go?

 

He said, “Yes, but a few things

I’ll quickly explain.

On the ad there is small print.

Some smaller than grain.”

 

There would be some fees

A cost, two or three

$799 for you paperwork

and $1500 for T-A-V-T

 

I said, “TAVT?”

He sighed so aloud

“Well, the state gets their cut.

Removing that is unallowed!”

 

I said to him, “Sir!

That’s two grand and change!

Why spend all that extra money?

Do you think I’m deranged?!”

 

He told me, “Don’t worry.

Your expense will be little!

Just a down payment and seven years

It’s all yours. No riddle.”

 

When I asked him how much down

He paused and he waited

Then said, “$2400 down.”

My God I nearly fainted!

 

Then he told me the payments

“$299. Don’t fear.

It’s such a piddling sum.

You’ll save plenty this year!”

 

I said, “Is that right?”

My mouth was agape.

“Over six thousand with fees?

Are you selling financial rape?”

 

Now look here my chap!

I want you to see

My dear old Volvo

She’s far cheaper than thee.

 

I do all the small things

To keep her like new

Then I invest a small bundle

To repair her, a few

 

I know she’s not pretty

Or popular now.

But she still gives it her all

She does it and how!

 

With 200 horsepower

And seats of deep leather.

I enjoy our daily driving

In all types of weather.

 

I know she drinks more

Than the newest new car

But that difference in payments

Is just farther than far.

 

$299 versus $0

$2300 versus $50

She may be a beater

But damn it she’s thrifty!

 

So I offered a goodbye

A God’s rest and God’s bless

For on this white Christmas

I was put to his test

 

The beauty of buying

New versus old

Is the difference between learning

And doing what you’re told

 

This world can move backwards

With debt and regret

But for me, I’ll choose cash

So that next year is set

 

If you see my old Volvo

My beater. My joy

Just remember, I’m a gearhead.

She’s all mine. My toy.

 

She’ll always be pretty

In my enthusiast eye

Now excuse me, I’m going

Good luck and goodbye!

 

Merry Christmas!

 

 

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