11 Ways To Stop Spending Money On Cars

By on December 24, 2017


1. Don’t Lease.
2. Really. I’m not kidding. Don’t lease a car.
3. I said don’t lease the damn car! Am I gonna have to get Jersey on your ass?
4. Don’t give me a lecture about safety standards. The average fatality occurs roughly once every 100 million miles traveled. You know what kills people? Cupcakes. No joke. Heart disease is eighteen times more likely to kill you than driving in a car. So go eat an apple instead of a McDonalds Happy Meal and don’t lease a car. You’re money isn’t working for you.
5. That car review you just read… is fiction. The guy writing it is paid to make cars out to be the embodiment of freedom. He won’t tell you that all you’re doing in the real world is listening to music, commuting, and going at the same artificially low rate of speed as the car in front of you. Is all that boredom really worth over $37,000 of savings during the next seven years? I’m being nice. Don’t lease a car.
6. So you wanna blow your financial brains out?  Fine! Before you bite that bullet, check out how much it cost to even register a new car these days. Then tack on the jaw dropping insurance rates, the $2,000 plus tax bill, and the dealer’s bogus fees that he probably named after his pet dog. Don’t lease the car. I’m not kidding Stop bothering me if you’re not willing to take my advice.
 7. What should you get instead? Do the math on what you already got first. Fix whatever needs to be fixed if the numbers make sense. If it’s looking a bit old, go buy some spray on wax. The stuff is dirt cheap and makes an old car look new for just pennies per squirt.
8. Oh, wait. I forgot. You’re still highly allergic to my ideas. Fine then. Leave me alone and go play in traffic.
9. So you ignored my advice, went to the dealership, and now you’re posting the new car of your dreams to all your friends on Instagram. Did you really want a Corolla that badly?  Sigh… go ahead and lease the car. I’m done with you.
10. You leased the car and want me to ‘like’ that picture of you with that rolling debt barnacle. Tough noogies! I would rather like this Yiddish Yodeler. At least she has money in her retirement fund and a car that’s paid for.
11. It’s three years later. You now own nothing, and I just saw your car sell at a wholesale dealer auction for a little less than what you paid during all that time. You now want car advice? Okay, here it is. If Jesus was walking the Earth during this holiday season, he wouldn’t lease a new car.
Only a pagan would do that.


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